Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Big Boy Bed

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When Aaron passed away, Aaron Jr. was still sleeping in a crib. Ever since Aaron passed away, Aaron Jr. has been sleeping in bed with me. At first, it was because we were both going through something so traumatic... but then it became a habit and it was so easy to just get him to sleep while he was laying in the same bed as me.

Well, today... Aaron Jr. and I transformed his bed from CRIB to TODDLER bed. Once it was finished, he was really excited to lay on it. It was exciting during the day anyway.
Tonight, I decided that I was going to put him to bed in his own bed. I tried to do his nightly routine in that room so that he was getting used to the idea a bit. I brushed his teeth in his room, we said the prayer while he knelt on his bed, I sang him some songs, then I kissed him goodnight and left the room. At first, he thought it was kind of a game... so he kept getting out of bed and chasing me and laughing. I was trying to do the 'Supernanny' going to bed technique. I tried for about 30 minutes, then he started realizing what it meant. He started trying to get up on our bed and he was crying and asking me to hold him. It was breaking my heart. Every time I picked him up to take him back to bed, he was clinging on so tight. Well, I figured that this first time, I could just hold him while he went to sleep to get him used to that room again. So, I picked him up and sat on the floor next to his bed. It was actually quite sweet sitting there holding him while he started to understand a bit more what this was all meaning. I had a CD playing of primary songs sung as lullabies. It was actually very comforting and peaceful. We finally layed down on the floor next to his bed. After about another hour of him tossing and turning on the uncomfortable floor, he finally pointed to his bed and said he wanted to lay down on it. So, I put him up on his bed, covered him up, and held his hand while he drifted to sleep. It only took about one minute for him to be sound asleep.

This evening was actually a really tough evening. Emotions started catching up with me and I just broke down. I am not going to go into what was on my mind, but I felt like life was closing in on me. It is still okay to have tough nights like this even though I am trying harder to find the JOYS in life, right? I hope so.
Then, this change in sleeping arrangements... it is going to help us start feeling a little bit more like 'normal' people. BUT, this is actually probably harder for me than it is for Aaron Jr. Tonight is the first night in a very long time that I have been alone in bed. I have felt very lonely even with Aaron Jr. on the other side of the bed, but now I will be truly alone.
I know this is going to be for the best, but this transition will be difficult like all of the others have been. This time, it is my choice though. That is the difference.

Lonely without you, Aaron. I love you...

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Michelle said...

Leslie- I am just getting ready put my daughter in a toddler bed. You have such a way to put them so beautifuly. Thank you for sharing what is in your heart. Big changes for both of you and hope that everyone slept well.

Valeri said...

That was beautiful, Leslie. What a difficult transition this must be for you! I can COMPLETELY see why! How sweet you handled it though, by singing to him, rocking him, laying on the floor with him, and holding his hand until he drifted off to sleep. Aaron Jr. is so lucky to have you as his mom.

EmandZachsmom said...

You have an amazing spirit when you right. Changing my daughters bed from a crib to a toddler bed was an adventure.

Sleeping alone is something that I have a hard time with.

We pray for you and your little man!

Mindy said...

Your post made me cry today, Leslie. I say OF COURSE it's okay for you to have hard times as you're striving for more joy in your life. You are doing so well with Aaron Jr.! You are an amazing girl, and I love you.

Momza said...

Hello Leslie,
You don't know me, but I've been follwoing your blog since about January. I've sat and cried with some of your posts, and smiled at others, feeling so grateful for the strength you have been given in your moments of sorrow.
This post, though, was especially tender. Thank you for sharing these very raw emotions as you go thru them. I am holding good thoughts for you and prayers too.
You are wonderful.

Amberly said...

my heart hurts for you today leslie, but I'm so proud of you for striving to see the Joy and blessings all around you. Aaron is with you. every day.

Kristi said...

First of all I love his bed.
It will be nice for both him and you to be able to put him down in his own bed...well, eventually it will be nice once the pain wears off and it becomes a new routine.
This is one of the steps toward moving forward, difficult as it may be.

dani said...

leslie, i just said a prayer for you that your difficulties will be lessened...
the photos of aaron jr. in his bed are precious.

Tabitha said...

Oh Leslie ~ yet again my heart aches from reading your post. I know that it is the best and right decision to make ~ but a hard one too!!
Sending you love and hugs XXXXX

Matt and Shauna said...

You are doing the right thing and I can totally see why it seems more difficult than ever! I sure enjoyed talking with you the other day. Thinking of you today.


Joann said...

I love the pictures, Leslie. Getting a child to sleep in their own bed is difficult for ANY mom, but when you add what you two have been through, I can't imagine how hard this is/will be for you both. Just be strong. It will get easier.
As for having a hard night, I think I would be worried if you weren't still having those kind of night every once in a while. I think you are doing amazingly well! Love you!